The Battered Soul

By Isaac Aju:

The problem with a battered soul is that when it finds someone who finally picks interest in it, it seems to reveal too much.

The problem with a battered soul is that when it finally gives room for love, it tends to love too much.

The problem with a battered soul is that in its search for peace and love, it might give itself out without much restraint, because a battered soul seeks just one single human being that will care to listen to its stories.

A battered soul has so many stories that are not yet told, and that is what makes its condition worse—the accumulation of untold stories. The battered soul knows that telling its story will make it easier to become healed. It knows that the more it keeps its stories to itself, the more it hurts. A battered soul seeks a listener. Who will listen to it?

So when it finds someone who cares to listen, the battered soul spills out secrets and stories that have tarried for a long time, and before it knows what is happening, it has said many things in a short time and recollects itself in fear. Though it feels as if a heavy weight has been wheeled out of it, what about this person who now has its secrets and stories? Oh, my goodness! What if this person betrays it?

Another problem with the battered soul is the way it craves love, romance, a human being who will be overly loving, a human being who will see its spirit more than its body. The battered soul is hungry for the touch of a loved one. It yearns for a kiss that makes it forget the world, forget its pain, sorrows, and questions. The battered soul craves love, but at the same time, it is careful about who to let in.

The battered soul is a fierce lover. Have you seen a person who keeps loving even when it is no longer reasonable to love? That is a typical example of a battered soul. They love with their whole being. When they love, it is too difficult to let go. But the world is not aware of this. The girl who committed suicide after a lover ditched her was a battered soul. The man whose spirit shattered after his girlfriend left him was a battered soul, even before they decided to love. It is better for the battered soul not to love at all than loving and unloving in short periods. It kills. A battered soul is not supposed to love and then unlove. But the world is not aware of this. They only know how to say "Tufiakwa! Arụ̄!" when battered souls kill themselves.

When a battered soul enters into a romantic relationship, it can be disastrous to play with its heart. The motivational speaker says to let go, to look past, to forget, but the battered soul do not know how to do any of these things. The day it learns to do so, it would no longer be a battered soul. Then it would begin to heal.

In sexual affairs, the battered soul is meticulous. It’s either deep or nothing. The battered soul is not interested in half-hearted things. Everything should be full. Every damn thing should be full. The battered soul doesn’t go for halves. The battered soul is only interested in the fulls.

When a battered soul is in a relationship with you, it wants you as you. It does not want you to pretend to be someone else. It doesn’t want you to lie. It wants to see you as you, because it knows what it means to be flawed and messy. A battered soul doesn’t need you to lie to them, because they will still find out. The battered soul is overly sensitive and spiritual.

The battered soul is too afraid to be a burden to anyone. The battered soul is afraid of dependence. The battered soul is too reluctant to ask for help. The battered soul shrinks away from the pity of the world. Keep your pity. The battered soul is not interested in your pity. Maybe you can save it for yourself, or for your wife, your children, or anybody else. The battered soul is interested in wholesomeness, in being a full human being, in being fully known—in being fully understood.

The battered soul loves to be helped, really loves to be helped, but the help should be organic. The battered soul doesn’t want your help to be forced, something you have to think twice about. The battered soul loves to be helped unconditionally, just like Jesus on the cross loved the thief crucified with him. You know that kind of love: you are battered. You are wounded. You are bleeding. You’re dying, yet, somebody loves you!

“Today, you will be in paradise with me!” the loving voice says.

The thing with being a burden is that your life is no longer a full life. You are always thinking about not offending. You are always thinking about the right things to do, and sometimes you struggle to know what those right things are, and this is problematic for the battered soul. The battered soul hates to live its life on tiptoes.

The battered soul yearns for freedom, sings of freedom. Like Maya Angelou, the battered soul knows why the caged bird sings. The caged bird sings because there is hope. There is always hope. The caged bird sings because one day it will stretch forth its wings. The caged bird sings because one day, it will fly.

The battered soul is not afraid of you. It is not afraid of talking to you. The battered soul does not hate you. The battered soul doesn’t resent you. The battered soul doesn’t hold any malice against you. The battered soul is not antisocial. The battered soul is simply aware of the toxicities that can be found in human beings, even when they do not want to be toxic, even when they do not know what it means to be toxic. The battered soul is simply cautious with humans. Battered souls look before they leap. Battered souls do not rush into people. They take their time in their discovery of human beings. Battered souls are not interested in what they see on the outside. They are interested in the parts of you that everybody else isn’t seeing. They are interested in the real you. Do not even bother to appear all flashy and flamboyant and ebullient. Battered souls are not interested in any that. They are more interested in things that cannot be seen.

So the battered soul looks into your soul. There is something it is looking for. There’s something it is searching for. There’s something it hopes to see, so it watches people. It looks into people. It observes people. It observes the world. The battered soul is not a hater. It is simply protecting itself, preserving itself.

The battered soul stands between two worlds. The world of depression and sorrows and insanity calls it. But it can decide to refuse. Or accept. On the other hand, the world of joy and hope and meaning and purpose calls it. It can also decide to answer. The battered soul knows all this, so it is careful. It cannot jump into people, because people can draw it unintentionally into the world full of the negatives. People are looking for who they will rub off their traumas to. People are looking for who to break. But sometimes they don’t even know this. So this is the paradox. They do not even know what they are doing. But the battered soul knows. It understands what is happening, things that are not seen or turned into words. The battered soul absorbs all this. It doesn’t wish anyone evil. It doesn’t wish anyone bad. It simply makes a conscious effort about how to be in the world, about the people to allow into the deep part of itself. It can be friendly with everyone, but it keeps its distance. Until it finds that thing in you, that thing it seeks: love, kindness, meekness, and empathy.

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Isaac Aju

Isaac Aju is a Nigerian writer of fiction and poetry whose works have appeared in Poetry X Hunger and The Writers' Journal in New York City. With a focus on African history, Isaac's poetry and short stories have appeared in numerous publications and online journals, including Synchronized Chaos, IkikeArts, and the Kalahari Review.