STAR WARS: The First Problem
By Joe Florance:
We can go all day on the problems in and around Star Wars.
Every time my Star Wars buddy calls, we open the call with a Star Wars issue.
Many times that is all we talk about.
Now, when I say "Star Wars" in this context, I mean all of the Star Wars films—the episodes, the original 3 films, the sequels, Rogue One, etc.
All of them.
The Star Wars Universe . . . ahem, Galaxy.
But today, I'm going a different direction.
A forbidden direction.
Today, I'm talking about Star Wars . . . the film.
Star Wars . . . the film . . . has a MAJOR PROBLEM!!!!!
I never thought I had the strength to say that publicly.
I didn't know I could say that.
One sec . . .
Okay, I just said it out loud with my voice.
It was shaky.
I looked around after saying it.
I'm all alone, but it feels like the entire univer . . . galaxy is looking at me.
What was uttered is verboten.
Star Wars is perfect.
BUT IT'S NOT, OKAY!
IT'S NOT PERFECT!
There is a major flaw that has bothered me for years, people! YEARS!
I will not hold this by myself any longer!
So here it is . . .
Star Wars starts—it's awesome.
The droids escape that battle and land on this desert planet.
I remember that skeleton in the sand from my first viewing in 1977.
My mom and I saw it together.
City of Upland, CA.
Only people in the theater.
We got out and there was a line around the building.
Now we get to Luke and his angst.
He has some shitty job finding droids with his schlubby uncle, Owen.
Remember that guy?
They get 3PO and R2—only because that R4 droid (Luke in his SUPER whiny best) "has a bad motivator . . . Look!"
Such a complaining wimp.
Back at the domed housing compound, Luke, Uncle Owen, and Aunt Beru are eating while drinking blue milk! Gross!
Luke brings up the video from R2 and says he thinks the droid could be stolen because it referenced Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Is that Old Ben?
Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru look at each other, and Uncle Owen disparages Ben and then brings up Luke's dad.
Why did you bring up Luke's dad?
Luke then, of course, gets all wet about it.
"He knew my father?!”
Uncle Owen, "I told you to forget about it."
YOU BROUGHT IT UP, JACKFRUIT!!!!
Now, this is not the problem. We are building to it.
Luke then shares how he wants to go to the academy this year, and Uncle Owen shuts him down big time because . . .
"Harvest is when I need you the most."
I don't know what type of farmer you are, Uncle Owen, but, uh, I've looked around your complex and WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU HARVESTING?
If it's sand, then where does your money go, because you should be up to your tits in blue milk, bruh!
Still not the problem. It doesn't really make sense, but I don't know the comings and goings of dirt farmers. He's the expert, he knows best, right?
Uncle Owen then tells Luke it is just one more season, not a year, just a season. Luke says a year, but no, Luke, it's a season. Can we get our time frames down please! But maybe a year to this planet is not a year for a season, the dirt farming; why do they need 3PO again? No! Focus! So neither of them understand the Tatooine calendar, big deal, that is not the problem.
Luke can't take it anymore and gets up to leave.
Aunt Beru sweetly asks, "Where are you going?"
To that, Luke says, "I guess I'm going nowhere." BURN!
In your face, "Uncle" Owen!!!!
This kid is going places, but first he says he's going to finish cleaning those droids.
Wow, what a rebel.
Scene over, right?
It's only just begun, because here it comes.
Everyone with me?
Wait for it.
Almost there . . . Almost there . . .
The never-before-mentioned problem with the original Star Wars film . . .
Once Luke leaves, Aunt Beru says . . .
"Owen, he can't stay here forever. Most his friends have gone. It means so much to him."
Uncle Owen, "I'll make it up to him next year, I promise."
Aunt Beru, "Luke's just not a farmer, Owen.
HE HAS TOO MUCH OF HIS FATHER IN HIM."
Uncle Owen, "That's what I'm afraid of."
Luke's father is Darth Vader!!!
You know, the mass-murdering maniac!!!!!
That is Luke's father!
Don't you get it?!?
You know more about this guy than the audience does, but you are not afraid at all!!!!!
And Uncle Owen's response?!?
This is not a Mentos commercial, dude!
Oh, are you afraid that he has too much of his father in him?
How afraid can you be considering you won't let the spawn of galactic Hitler leave!
You want this ticking time bomb to stay!!!!
And what's with the music?
Hey, John Williams?!? Do you know anything about this story?
Uh, Lucas, you supposedly know what is going on here, right?
Cuz the music was uplifting. Kind of a slice-of-life moment for the desert-sand farmers.
Fingers crossed Luke and his dad reunite, right Uncle Owen?
(Luke's whiny voice, "Aunt Beru!?!”)
And again I say, for the love of Galaxy God, Uncle Owen, why in the world are you bringing up Luke's dad?
Is that blue milk made with crazy-making sand? Is that the harvest you are complaining about?
That's the problem, and Skywalker is with them.
Got carried away there, but seriously, if you for whatever reason took one for the team and became the adoptive caregiver of a kid whose father was the most dangerous and evil person in the galaxy . . . YOU ARE STUPID AND DESERVE TO DIE.
Why are you watching this kid?
Luke, your relatives are dumbasses.
I don't care anymore.
Only watching Empire from now on.
Joe Florance owns and operates Circle of 10 Talent. He encourages people to pursue their dreams, and helping them do that fulfills his own.